These are the main issues that popular, polite-society discourse (mostly the Saturday Times sex-advice column) has taught me about with regard to sex.
- often have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner. Their sexual response is fluid and bound up with psychological factors such as romance and self-confidence.
- often reach orgasm too quickly, particularly in their teens and early twenties.
- sometimes can’t get it up.
One thing I never found out from the papers and sex advice websites is that men can sometimes get it up, but have trouble coming. I’ve touched four (adolescent) guys’ penises. Two came easily, but not in two minutes like all the books said they would. One thought once that he wouldn’t be able to come, but then we changed things around and took the performance pressure off him and he found he could. He always needed so much hard stimulation that we used to call handjobs ‘the next epic round of Arm versus Penis.’ And it was the fourth time sleeping with my first boyfriend before he managed an orgasm.
‘I’m just not very good at coming,’ he explained to me, not sounding surprised in the slightest. ‘Maybe it’s an image thing.’
Further into the relationship our record improved dramatically. My conclusion? These gentlemen’s ‘feewings’ were making them all shy and stopping them from coming.
WTF? I thought that was a girl thing?
Fortunately I had read on The Pervocracy that men failing to come was a thing that could happen, so I didn’t panic or feel woefully inadequate when my boyfriend didn’t come. I just told him,
‘okay, never mind, let me know if there’s anything I can do to make it better for you.’
But it seems like this boys-being-nervous thing is pretty darned common, so why does it never get mentioned in the media?
I said in my last post that I was going to talk about girl-orgasms. I was reading something somewhere in the blogosphere recently about how, even though we are told that guys take two minutes and girls take fifteen-twenty, a solo girl and a solo guy both take about four minutes. I don’t think there is no difference between male and female orgasms, male orgasm being essential for procreation while female orgasm is not, but, even though I usually choose to go on for longer, it’s certainly true that I can come very quickly on my own if I want to.
With partners it’s a whole different story; I think someone else has brought me to the kind of orgasm I have on my own about once. I think it’s partly to do with the fluid-emotional-female sexuality, but I also know that the first time a boy announced that he was going to make me come, my immediate thoughts were,
‘Argh, but all the books say I won’t come, it’s really hard to come with a partner, I’m not going to come am I?????????’
Not the best frame of mind in which to have an orgasm.
On balance, I’m glad the ‘women, you may not come’ advice is there, otherwise we’d all probably be panicking and convinced that we were frigid freaks doomed never to feel sexual satisfaction in another’s arms. But at the same time, I think the advice sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The warning ‘women find it hard to come’ tends to kill any chance of easy, worry-free orgasm.
And I really wish that there was more literature out there telling men that it’s normal for them to be feelsy nervous not-always-orgasmers.